I hate the holiday season. Can we get on with it already.
It’s been about 27 years since I actually gave a shit about the stupid pagan ritualistic holiday.
I would go on a total fuck Xmas tangent but it’s Christmas time so I won’t .
I am well aware of the situation ,I just have to choose the correct course if action.
I keep blaming human nature, we lack the ability to evolve. We rather develop our ability to revolve and revolt.
Be that as it may; this was always the destination. I have remorse yet I lack the inner discipline to show or even know that is really the emotion I have.
It didn’t work , so I must wipe my slate clean and produce more accurate results.
I fear my lack of discipline.
I fear my lack of commitment .
I fear my lack of certainty.
I fear, I listen to too much of what I lack. It’s not real, it can’t happen because you haven’t tried.
I’ve been talked out of developing.
I have to make mistakes or else I can’t grow .
I’m not settled, I haven’t figured out my life.
There isn’t anything I would like to do in this world that doesn’t involve selling and buying. I’m getting tired and weary of it all. Too much going on to end it but not enough to want to continue. She’s seven now, she wouldn’t understand. I don’t want her to feel what I do, this undying want that feels like eyes are being gouged.
I hate that feeling of what I should’ve. This feeling isn’t holding me back, my lack of should is. Why am I, better yet why am I not. This survivor of the fittest thing sucks. Why am I the polar opposite of Jay z. He wrote a bunch of shit he goes through and gets wealth I write a bunch of shit I go through and barely have health.
What was I doing on 2001?
I like these women, but I have the sense that neither of them likes me. I try to hard, but I feel if I stop I’ll have to explain why. I have an appetite for giving up. I have done it for years. I can’t recall any thing that I have accomplished. I have done a lot , but accomplishments aren’t my strong suit.
Today is Friday the thirteenth. I can not begin to explain this feeling. My mouth burns, I hope no one expects me to talk. I like days where I’m not expected to say anything.
I want to go away, I like isolation. I want a woman that changes like the season and only cares about what I care about.
I’m selfish!, why is my mind clouded by horrible judgement.
I can’t seem to understand how to apply what I know into practical application . I know I shouldn’t drive without a license but still I do. This woman told me she like a certain thing, I can’t remember what it was. Now our relationship is spiraling down.
I like a white woman, she’s ten years younger than I am. I can only imagine having sex and kids with her. I see nothing about her that suggest she would be a good wife or person to remain monogamous with.
I do want to keep her, I am a jealous man. I want no one else to succeed before me, I have a dirty competitiveness in me I hate.
I dislike most people, I see nothing in them worth liking. I don’t like to cheat, lie or steal.
I have never blogged, so here goes nothing . Who ever reads this go easy on the critiquing, you either like it or leave it alone.
I have no inherent want to be apart of your society western or eastern. I am what I am not by choice. My father was a pedophile pimp and my mother is a crack whore. I was raised by a tired child of a slave that had pretty much given up on the generation that would proceed her. I have no idea how I got here. I spend most of my day scared to move from where ever I slept the night before and not wanting to interact with the day prior. I’ve felt suicidal but I hate the fact I would leave a burial debt on the few members that remain of my broken family. I heard a rap song and in it I took pride I feeling connected in a line that states, ” I have an appetite for failure”. I wonder if others have thought that or had the same connection to that statement as I did. I have never been competitive. I think that’s one reason I will never become successful enough to escape a lifestyle of poverty.
I decided create this blog because I hear it a lot on the streets. People greeting rich somehow from blogging. I saved up some cans and lied to get money and picked pennies off of the ground and bought this phone so that I could digitalize what my brain had in it. I must admit it isn’t much . I never understood why the things I understand when presented to me at my pace of learning I could never apply in real life . I believed I once had common sense. Now I’m struggling to understand what’s common.
I’ll wrap this up with , I would like tomorrow to be better than today. I haven’t been able too retain information for long amounts of time . Maybe this will change.